I don't want to post this.

Currently Listening: Jamestown Story

I'm moving myself farther away as to not be brought down. I'm letting myself feel this way on purpose. I'm the nicest form of mean.

I'm a giver, not a taker.

One of the hardest things for me to do is ask a question. I do not like depending on people; being unsure of something. In school, with friends, my whole life. I'm not one to raise a hand for an answer. I figure things out on my own with no questions ask and no help borrowed. It's how I've always done things. I feel guilty asking, I suppose. I feel this awful feeling inside when I do. As if I'm being a burden, a pest, an annoyance. This is why I don't ask questions or favors. I do things on my own, alone, and I accomplish what I do. I am proud of myself in whatever the situation, and knowing that I had no help makes it so much more worthwhile.

I do though, love being asked for help. I'm at full pleasure to lend a hand, and idea, a word to help a person out, especially a friend. Isn't the the basic job description of a friend? I try to be a great friend - to not be a letdown. And I expect the same back - I give, you give, we work together. I try not to ask much of my friends. Again, being an annoyance is not what I am striving for. When I look back at every friend I have lost, I can see that there is a pattern of me trying, and trying,...and trying. And nothing in return.

Nevertheless; When I do find that I cannot do something without help, when I know that what I need will need help from someone, I place my offer on the table. I ask for the little bit of help I need and hope that at least some sort of action will come from this to me.

I've been let down before; I can take this. Acting in spite is a talent I have and can demonstrate well. This, I know.

There are a million more things I could write about all of this. I don't even know what my goal was in posting this. I feel...awful. About what happened/is happening/will happen. I'm tired of counting on people and waiting around. I need to stop letting this happen to me. And for all of this, I avoid the problem.